To: Fake Gilt City Summer Intern
From: Fake General Manager at Armani Ristorante
Subject: Very Real $495 Deal
Dear Gilt City Intern. I hope you enjoyed mortgaging off your parent’s house to pay for freshman year at Sarah Lawrence. Since you’re obviously skilled in convincing others to waste their money, I thought I’d reach out.
My Name is Enrico Pallazzo, and I’m writing because no one’s eating in our crummy Armani ristorante, hidden on the top floor of the overpriced Armani Store. It’s obnoxiously hard to get up here (the elevators are so slow) so I think the best way to lure people in from our recession ravaged city is to to do a really expensive deal. How’s $495 for four people sound? That includes four courses & wine.
Of course, $495 comes to $628 after tax and tip, which is about how much a pair of Armani socks cost, so comparatively it makes sense. Sure, this is more expensive than Michael White’s Marea, but who wants to eat two-Michelin starred Italian food when they can have clothing store Italian food?
And the socks we serve our customers, pardon, the deal we sell them will be non-refundable and they’ll have to use it by September 31st. If they don’t use it, we can keep the profits — cha-ching! As for the food, don’t tell them exactly what they’ll be eating on your Gilt site. We want it to be a surprise. In fact, check out our website — NO PRICES! Pure genius. At Armani, we don’t like customers knowing what they’re getting for $620. It’s part of our secret sweaty sock sauce.
The giants balls of ice cream (visible after the jump, at the bottom of the post) are well representative of the size of the balls that Gilt City/Armani Ristorante have in concocting a deal like this…
He spoke repeatedly but without specifics of private conversations and nonstop meetings involving administration officials “up to the highest levels” — White House shorthand for the president. Finally, exasperated, he asked whether reporters expected “a President Bartlet moment” — say, a march up Capitol Hill to whip Congress in line, à la fictional president in “The West Wing” television series.
“Yes,” one reporter replied.” —
I love that even five years after it ended, The West Wing is still a cultural and political benchmark. Also, proof that Obama is the most Jed Bartlet-esque president we’ll ever see.
Gilt City is offering a 60% bottle service discount at Georgica in The Hamptons. The deal includes two bottles of Perrier-Jouët Blason Rosé Champagne, with seating for up to six, for $398, instead of $1,000. Bottle service markups are more expensive that typical restaurant markups as you’re paying for secured entry to a venue with a tough door and for guaranteed seating at a packed house. This is the case at Georgica, where I once tried to get in with two lady friends on the guest list. They let my lady friends in. They kept me out. So keeping that in mind, let’s take a look at the math:
What the fuck is wrong with you, you ever-loving jackass?